I’ve always fancied myself a Proper Lesbian. I have a respectable collection of flannel shirts. I chose the restaurant when my date is “okay going wherever.” I never ask a girl out if I’m not sure she’s gay. And I certainly never crush on straight women.
So, I was surprised when I realized I have been crushing on the same straight woman for nearly a year. So much so, that “crush” is really more of an understatement to save my ego. More accurately, I had a full romantic attraction to a close friend. A friend who is straight and in love with her boyfriend.
The Ingredients
Prep time: 1 year
1 cup blurred boundaries
1 dozen Drunken Weekends
1/2 quart feelings, to taste**
Infatuation
Lust
Guilt
Shame
2 tsp denial
1 tough conversation
**The blend that I used, but feel free to substitute to taste
The Steps
Muddle the boundaries with the drunken weekends
The nature of friendships between women makes it easy to blur boundary lines. This particular friend and I already had a relatively intimate relationship. Between all the playful flirting and cuddling and quasi-romantic bonding, my guard was low enough to let a tiny crush slip past. But after throwing back a few cups of college-strength cocktails, the boundary lines went from blurry to invisible. At that point, my guard was asleep at the wheel while that tiny crush was in the backseat turning into full-blown romantic feelings.
Stir in the denial, let it sit
At first, I rejected the idea that my involvement in this was foolish. I was convinced this wasn’t a typical lesbian-likes-a-str8-girl situation, because it was mutual. I wasn’t playing this game alone. She initiated much of the physical contact we ever had. She verbally expressed how much of a crush she had on me. She even explicitly told me if it weren’t for her boyfriend, she’d be with me.
Of course, I didn’t believe all of those drunken declarations. I wasn’t waiting on her to drop her man, her sexuality, or her life to run away lesbian-ly with me. I dated other women. I didn’t hold out much hope. So it was a harmless crush, right?
Fold feelings into the mixture
I was charmed by her. I was impressed. And dazzled.
Again, the past tense verbs merely protect my ego. I am still all of those things.
But one year after I unconsciously began this process, I found this crush was no longer “harmless.” And that I was fantasizing about being with a woman who was planning the rest of her life with her boyfriend.
The final product:
Once all of the ingredients have been combined. You’ll be left with an unhealthy attraction to a straight woman and a mess, one indistinguishable from the other. The final product isn’t edible or useful. Logically, it should just be discarded.
Recipe Addendum
Before you throw away your concoction, there’s a secret ingredient that may keep intact the friendship underneath the mess. By itself, it’s bitter and avoided by most reasonable cooks. But, if you’re like me, you threw reason out of the kitchen way back at step one.
Grate a tough conversation on top of the entire mixture
I sat down with her, even if drunkenly. And I told her everything, as if she didn’t already know. I told her how innocent it started out for me and how intense it had grown to be. Most importantly, I told her I’m letting go of the feelings I have for her and how foolish I felt for ever developing them in the first place. She accepted it and understood her role in the process. Our friendship has carried on seemingly undamaged.
The new final product will be loose, but still hold it’s shape. It will be edible, but not palatable. On the bright side, if you soak the mixing bowl long enough, you may be able to use it again for future recipes.
Try this recipe at your own risk; I cannot guarantee the same results.
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